| Hello again |
I’ve been meaning to write this a long time ago. This post is about 7 months late. Everyday, I try to add more to this piece but I have never gotten further than the end of this sentence.
I’m suspended between wanting to tell you everything or nothing at all.
I think that a huge part of this hesitation is feeling like I need everything to be captured perfectly in the written word before it touches this page. When I can’t find the right words, I’d rather not say anything at all than loosely translate.
The short version of this is that I’ve been extremely extremely busy. Don’t feel bad for me, I made these decisions CONSCIOUSLY. And don’t admire me, these are stupid stupid decisions.
Basically, I work 7 days a week for months at a time. 5 days as a clinical dietitian. 2 days as a supervisor for a large food service operation. In the evenings, I bake all night for weddings, birthdays, and other get-togethers. Some evenings I’m up writing recipes and the occasional article for a magazine. In the crevices of my remaining time, I have to meet with my dessert catering clients, work with them to plan their menu, and coordinate details with their event team. AND on top of all of this, I’m a volunteer property manager for my parents. That means I get to deal with the emergency calls about water seeping into the floor boards, broken thermostats, leaky plumbing, neighbours being a***oles and so on and so forth.
On a GOOD day, I maybe get 4 hours of sleep. Days off from any kind of work are far and few (ie. nonexistent), that’s when I sleep for about 16 hours before my body naturally wakes up.
I’ve been doing this for about a year and initially, I really thought I could keep this up. I love the variety of my work, it keeps everything interesting and it gives me different challenges. I can handle a lot of stress and every year I’m expanding my capacity to take on MORE (projects, jobs etc). I’m currently doing more than I have ever imagined and I’m honestly surprising myself with how much I can actually manage WITHOUT any meltdowns (there were a few tantrums from being so so sleepy though).
|But lately, I’m realizing and finally admitting to myself that |
this is no way to live
I don’t have any time off for myself. My mind is constantly THINKING. Thoughts come and go so rapidly that I barely have time to process but somehow, it all works. I barely even see my boyfriend and when I do, our time together is short and interrupted. My personal to-do list is so backed up and it’s piling up as I keep pushing it off to the side. Laundry, vacuuming, doctor’s appointments, exercise, etc and etc. ALL put off to the side until probably, like realistically, 2019.
My body is EXHAUSTED. Some days, I come home after a full day of work and crash on my bed for a couple hours before I wake up for dinner. Then I fight sleep for the rest of the night as I work away at one my “side-hobbies”. (I use quotations because it’s really more of a career than a hobby, it’s just not my MAIN career). Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you’re physically shaking and kinda nauseous? I know that feeling all too well.
As for the extended version, that’ll be the thing that I will tell you nothing about for today. It’s just not the right time.
In keeping with social norms, I will keep the rest of this post light-hearted despite (actually) crappy circumstances. See this meme for reference.
| Gratitude |
When nothing else seems to work, going over all the things that I am thankful for always cheers me up.
- Bad things don’t last forever, even though it might feel like it. I was on a bad luck streak a while ago and everything that could’ve gone wrong, did in fact go wrong. I couldn’t catch a f***ing break! But there were some highlights in that streak of lows. I got to write another magazine article (coming soon to Archrive!), I got invited as a guest blogger to attend local events and I got to see or talk to friends from all different parts of my life who are still IN my life. As long as I ride the waves, I won’t drown.
- This is a new realization that I was mulling over in my head the other week: In the face of confrontation, I just back down or shut down. This might sound bad, because on the surface it sounds like I don’t know how to defend myself, but that’s not true. I see it in a different light. Confrontation is not a solution. I’d rather be the one to defuse than to ignite. This also means that I have met way more good people than bad people in my life. I haven’t had the need to always have my defenses up.
- I love watching the reaction of others when they find out that I’m a dietitian AND dessert caterer/food blogger. It never gets old. It’s like I’m suddenly more human to them. I also love that the dessert thing becomes my new identifier.
- There are people out there who have never met me, have never tasted anything that I’ve made but they still want me to make their wedding cakes, cupcakes, cookies and whatnot for their special events. Talk about trust! Thank you to my clients and future clients for believing in me.
- I’m so so glad that my sibs (literally my best friends) and I all share similar tastes in music and grew up to the same kind of music. Doesn’t matter if we’re in different parts of the house, if one starts singing, the others will hear and harmonize in. (We’re especially good at Celine Dion songs.)
- I have the most wonderful and genuinely kind colleagues (and this applies to both of my jobs!). If I didn’t, I don’t know how I could go to work 7 days a week.
And the list goes on but it’s 1am and I have work in a few short hours. Peace out!