One month ago today, I arrived at the airport just as the warm pink glow of sunrise started to seep into the horizon.
My mind was simultaneously paralyzed and frenetic. Standing outside the departures gates on the concrete ramp, I closed my eyes and stood in the crisp morning air. The coldness nipping at my skin drew me back from my racing mind and into the present. I was about to embark on what I hope would be a life changing trip. Because it had to be. I wasn’t who I recognized myself to be anymore and I needed to start rebuilding my identity again.
At the crossroads of familiarity and change… I felt scared. My biggest fear was that nothing would change at all but also that everything would change completely and I would have to face a new reality. At my core, I knew there was nothing left for me to go back to, nothing left to restore. My past was disappearing, footprints of my journey thus far being blown away in the wind. I have known this, for a while now, because I watched as the grains of my memories slip ever faster from my hands the more I tried to hold on.
My emotions simmered slowly to the surface, ready to break. I strapped in my seat belt, like I was tightly keeping a lid on a pot. I let the uncertainty, confusion, guilt, grief and heart ache simmer. Careful not to boil over as I have done almost everyday. This time is different. This time will be the last time.
Like magic, the moment I landed in my destination, all of those emotions dissipated. The heaviness that clung to my heart, gone. Fears that paralyzed me from moving forward dissolved away from my feet, letting me wander freely.
A radiance swelled up in my chest, warming the hollowness that was housed in there for far too long. I started to recognize myself again. I missed her.
Instead of wearing my heartbreak over my eyes and my heart, I lifted it off and started to see. To really see. That it was never about being fearless. That it was about taking leaps of faith alongside fear and learning to embrace harsh awakenings when I crash. That I will fall and fall again, and it will hurt, but I’ll be so much stronger after.
That I have fallen and I am already stronger.
I realized that life is really just about living and learning.
Suddenly, I wasn’t just walking towards my future anymore, I was dancing towards it. The unknown that used to terrify me, now draws me in.
Embracement for all there is to come, all there is to experience still, pushed me forward. I am letting go and healing.
That’s when I knew. I found, my sweet release.